Can we all throw up now?

Eleni Glouftsis can’t bounce a football.

I think that’s why she has become the first female umpire.

And now the AFL, in order to prevent further embarrassment, is considering removing the bounce altogether.

Which leads to the question: if females are allowed to throw up at the footy, can we all do it too?

This woman has done more to revolutionise Australia’s game than anyone before her. So much so that it’s likely she’s killed off the much-loved feature that sets this sport apart from any other. And she’s done it in just one game in which she didn’t even play.

Well done.

Just let it be known that at the rate things are going, I’m probably going to switch off from the AFL shortly. I might turn towards that game where they throw a massive cheese off a cliff and suicidal maniacs race it to the bottom.

But on the way, I’ll have a whinge.

I just don’t care about female footy.

I don’t care about the women’s competition that finished earlier this year. There is more skill at a country Div 3 game.

I don’t care about female umpires. They are unable to do what male umpires have been doing for over 150 years.

And I don’t care to hear from female commentators. I’d rather listen to an ex-player than a female talking about the groin injuries suffered by such and such a player during the first quarter.

Let it be known that I long for the days when the AFL was an all-male affair. You know, the days when the players were blokes, the umpires were blokes and the commentators were as well.

Back in those days goal umpires wore cool hats, coats and sunglasses. ‘Professionalism’ has killed that right off. Now we have AFL diversity officers and a make-believe team called GWS. Give me a break.

Some might claim this is sexist, racist or bigoted. But so is everything these days. So I don’t care.

More importantly, the AFL has decided that it has a voice in arguing for all-male marriages. No one claims this is sexist, so I don’t see why all-male AFL games should be sexist either.

And on this point, I make special mention of Kevin Sheedy. His promotion of AFL-backed gay marriage came with this cracker of a line:

“The great thing about gay people is they’re beautiful human beings who don’t do the crap that heterosexuals do.”

I’m not exactly sure what Kevin (whose Wikipedia page makes reference to his ‘devout’ Catholic parents) means. There is only one thing that heterosexuals can do that homosexuals can’t: conceive a child.

If you don’t understand how all this works, then it’s clear that you probably suffered through State Sex Ed 101, had your logical faculties lobotomised and were then granted a PhD in Safe Schools. That would make you a well-adjusted imbecile.

Sorry. But it’s true.

Anyway, I’m not so sure that I’d describe the power to create life as ‘crap’, but then again I’m not a gay marriage advocate like Kevin Sheedy. No doubt his devout Catholic parents would be proud of his contribution to this debate and his description of how he happened to come into this world.

Oh, by the way AFL, I don’t care for your views on marriage either. Your entire ‘industry’ revolves around grown men chasing a ball. Like most humans, I have a soft spot for stupidity which is why I watch it.

But an industry devoted to stupidity and pretty much staffed by ‘athletes’ who get paid a motza to tattoo their entire bodies is probably not well placed to enlighten humanity on its basic social foundation: marriage and the family unit.

Now that I’ve got this whinge off my chest, I’ll heap ‘faint’ praise on Eleni Glouftsis.

Amidst all the frustration this week, she also made me smile. With this quote:

“The AFLW was so fantastic to show everyone that women can be involved in all aspects of the game, and that it should be a game for everyone in Australia. Now with women players and hopefully more women umpires at the elite level, hopefully we can show them that women are just as capable as men.”

I love it when things are so fantastic. You generally know at that point that people are just making things up, the world’s about to end or the bad guy in the movie is about to kill everybody.

Fortunately, Eleni was just making things up. Women are not involved in all aspects of the game. And they are not just as capable as men on the footy field.

That’s why not one single AFL team has drafted a woman – not even the best one from the women’s comp. They just can’t cut it on the footy field. The AFL might talk ‘diversity’ but its teams want to win. Hence the reason they are sexistly all-male.

This should not be taken as criticism of women. It’s just the truth.

And anyone who wants to see courage should visit a maternity ward. It’s on display there every single day. Unfortunately, female courage in that field is pretty much held in contempt these days, along with the courage of mothers who then give up everything to devote their lives to their children.

But when it comes to footy, it’s a man’s world. It always will be.

The AFL might be stupid but its teams still want to win. So much so that they have not yet succumbed to politically-correct experimentation.

But if that’s what you’re after, I suggest you try the Army. It’s just set 25% recruitment quotas for women and, unlike the AFL, there’s clearly no requirement for it win a physical contest…


Author: Bernard Gaynor

Bernard Gaynor is a married father of eight children. He has a background in military intelligence, Arabic language and culture and is an outspoken advocate of conservative and family values.

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